Spare the Rod, Spoil the Monkey

    What's all this talk I've been hearing about "guerrilla marketing," "guerrilla entrepreneurs," and "guerrilla filmmakers"? Don't get me wrong. I find it very inspiring to hear that the largest of the anthropoid apes, indigenous to equatorial Africa, are finding a way to speak and to interact with humans to create lucrative businesses for themselves in the civilized world.

    If you ask anyone who knows me, they would tell you that I would be the first person to lift a monkey up and help it realize its hopes and dreams. I believe that a monkey's brain is a terrible thing to waste. (Not to mention that they are crowd pleasers when they wear bib overalls and hats.) I'm just saying that while giving monkeys a hand, we have to be careful not to let them take over the world as we know it. Didn't we learn anything from Planet of the Apes? Charleton Heston, don't worry. I listened to you. I don't need another sequel or remake to know the true danger that could occur if these monkeys go unchecked.

    I say we encourage the monkeys, but that we remain vigilant if they start to get out of hand. Yes. It will be necessary to ocassionally spank a monkey or two if they start getting too uppity. As the sayings go--"Spare the rod. Spoil the monkey". . .and. . ."It takes a village to raise a monkey." They may be innovative, business-minded monkeys, but they need to know that they will receive their come-uppance if they get out of line.

    If we don't keep a close watch on their activities, we are facing a post-apocalyptic future in which our great grandchildren will be overrun by uppity monkeys and have to retreat the underground and become mutants who will end up worshipping an atomic bomb—after the monkeys destroy the subway systems and bury the Statue of Liberty up to her neck in sand during some big banana luau. Do you really want that to happen?

    I will vow to spank a monkey or two--when absolutely necessary, and I ask that every responsible human follow my lead. In the unlikely event that our efforts fail miserably, and our world is taken over by monkeys, I have dibs on the horse, the rifle, and the dumb chick in the fur bikini.

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